It has never been love

At least a month had passed and I hardly had time to assimilate what had happened. The day after the graduation party, I woke up late and spent the rest of the day feeling sick because of the hangover. I also thought about Luck for much of the day. My first and only feeling for at least three weeks was shame, then anger, at myself, at Luck, and even at my friends for letting me drink.

After that, I decided that I wanted it. I had always been attracted to Luck and maybe at the time it was good. I was drunk and probably didn't manage my emotions well at the time. And so I was thinking that the situation was worse than it really was.

I even thought about calling Luck, trying a second date without drinks to see if it would work. I gave up when I received a message from Madeleine saying that she would give me about a month to get things organized and move in, so that I could finally get organized for college.

Vivian, Alice and I hardly spoke to each other during those weeks, they were too busy getting their college responses, and since they didn't mention anything else about our graduation night, I also chose not to comment, there was no reason to fuss, much less listen to them saying that they had warned me, as if I were a child. I was a little disappointed and ashamed of the direction of my attitudes. I was known by my friends for being well-balanced, but it only took a few drinks for me to be reckless out there. So I decided not to tell them. This would only be between Luck and me. If we were able to meet and clear things up, then I would tell them everything.

Later that day I received a call from Vivian, arranging a meeting at Starbucks. I was not very excited to go out since my brain began to assimilate that I had been dumped. Luck apparently viewed all my messages on social networks, but made no point of replying to any of them.

And that was the only reason I accepted their invitation.

I left punctually at 5pm, when Matthew texted me. I arrived at Starbucks and sat at the table where I usually sit. The coffee shop was busy as usual for a weekend. I ordered a cappuccino while they were waiting. I sipped my drink, still looking at the menu, already choosing what we would order when they arrived. My gaze was lost on the couple sitting at the table in front of me. A blonde woman, about twenty years old, elegant, her face was flushed as she whispered something apparently innocent to her boyfriend. She was running her hand between her hair, her neck pulse racing, small layer of sweat covering her forehead as she smiled. It was then that I realized, he was blatantly smoothing her under her skirt. From my angle of vision, it was clear what was happening. The problem was that it was daytime in a public place and there were even children in the establishment. Damn it! You have to be kidding me. They weren't really "masturbating" in public.

Anger grows inside me, I need everything in me not to explode. I had heard that there are no limits for those in love, but this? This was immoral and decadent, the establishment was not full and the family with children, too distracted to see, but I was watching, and that was enough. If anyone sat in the same direction as mine, they would have the same view as I did.

When a small bead of sweat dripped from her face and she let out a muffled groan, I knew for sure what was happening. I looked around to see if anyone else was noticing this scene. Nothing. Everything around seemed to be working perfectly, people being served, the old in and out movement. Okay, no one was watching. Which doesn't mean that I had to see it. I stood up indignantly, ready to take issue with the couple. I walked around the table and, as I approached it, I realized that it was none other than Luck Petrelli.

• What? - I said, looking into his eyes.

Startled by the intrusion, he quickly removed his hand and rested it on the table.

• What's going on here? - I said firmly. They continued to look at me as if they were doing nothing.

• I'm sorry, I don't know what you're talking about," the blonde woman remarked debauchedly.

• Really? - I interrupted her, turning my back to her and turning to Luck.

• Luck... - I whispered, looking at him, who looked at me as if he didn't understand.

• What the fuck is this? - he answered in a coarse tone. His face was filled with anger.

• What are you doing? - I questioned as if the two of us had some degree of intimacy.

• Baby, what's going on here? - She stood up, standing between us. - Do you know her, by any chance? Who is she? What does she want? - She spat out a string of questions without giving us space between them.

• Love? - I whispered, looking up at him, feeling instantly confused. I definitely didn't know he had someone. It was such a shock to me that a wave of dizziness hit me.

He narrowed his eyes, closing his mouth and snapping his jaw. I had never seen that angry face of Luck's, not even the day we slept together. I felt like a gazelle meeting the wolf.

• She's nobody," he finally replied. But I see, I see the dark glow in her pupils, the flash of warning. The hatred. - Just an advisor to my father's campaign. Why don't you go ahead and pay while we're out? - He took the credit card and gave it to her. Then he got up from his chair, leaving me alone.

I started to follow him, I needed an explanation. We got out. He kept walking quickly ahead of me until he entered an alley next to Starbucks and grabbed my neck violently, pressing me against the wall. I hit my head hard.

• What the fuck was that? What is your problem? Do I know you, by any chance?

I wanted to answer, but I was scared. The way he was pressing me and holding my neck was taking my breath away.

• I... I... the graduation party," I finally managed to say, as I tried to rest my fingers on his hand and pull it away from me. He let go of my neck and I felt the tears streaming frantically down my face.

So what? - he let go. Then he ran his hand through his hair, pacing

back and forth. - That's my fiancée over there! - He looked hysterical, he was screaming.

• But the two of us... on graduation night... - I said, still hoarse from his grip on my neck.

• But what were you thinking? I eat sluts like you every single weekend. What did you want? To be special? An engagement ring? Please girl, I don't even know you! Stay away from me and my fiancée before I file a fucking restraining order. You fucking psychopath.

I looked him right in the eye, smoothing my neck from side to side. How could he treat me like this, assault me? He was nothing like the gentle Luck I always saw smiling and joking around.

• You're going to stay the fuck away from me. Get the fuck out of my life.

I just shook my head, looking anywhere but in his eyes.

• Okay. I-I'm sorry, I didn't mean to bother you. - I looked down and ran out into the street. I didn't go back to Starbucks, much less call Matthew to take me back to school. I signaled for a cab of some sort and returned.

I got home and cried myself to sleep; I don't remember ever being so humiliated in my entire life. I believed he was a nice guy. Jesus! Why didn't I just listen to my friends? I gave him my virginity, my first kiss. How could he do that to me? Hurt me like that? I turned off my cell phone, not wanting any questions about what had happened. My mother would probably land in Tennessee because I hadn't returned with Matthew and hadn't returned her phone calls. But you know what, I didn't care, I just wanted to cry, to be alone.

I woke up at 8am, I had slept for about thirteen hours. I had a torturous stomach ache, probably the result of the cappuccino that barely went down yesterday afternoon. I got up slowly to go to the bathroom. When I looked in the mirror, I looked terrible, pale, eyes puffy, nose still red and the worst, my neck was marked. Clearly handprints. That made my eyes fill with tears again, it was proof of what had really happened. I ran my hand over the purple, sore skin. I cried softly as I washed my face. Remembering what Luck had done to me made me nauseous.

To try to distract myself, I googled myself, avoiding social networks as much as possible. Incredibly, I ended up in a blog that talked about Stockholm syndrome. And the part that surprised me the most was that, differently from what I imagined, Stockholm syndrome was not only a characteristic of kidnapped people. A few years ago a new line of studies characterized the Stockholm syndrome also as a psychological phenomenon in which the victim starts to feel sympathy for his aggressor, tyrant, and even rapist. Even if you are not reclusive or have been taken by him.

A very interesting part of the article, said that Stockholm syndrome is not a syndrome as such, nor a mental illness or disorder in the usual sense of the word. It is rather a variant of psychological defense, or coping strategy to deal with the excessive stress that develops in a traumatic situation.

Such as physical or mental abuse.

That's when I understood everything. My body was shaking with tears that wanted to come down, but I simply couldn't give in, because if I did, I would fall so hard I probably couldn't take it.

The loud knocks on the door startled me. It was probably Madeleine coming to get me.

• Just a second," I answered. I put on a turtleneck sweater and answered.

Surprisingly it was Vivian and Alice, who came in giving me strong hugs.

• Girl, you look bad," Vivian commented, looking me up and down. - And this blouse is awful.

• What's gotten into you, Nicole? You disappeared without any news, we were worried.

• I'm just not feeling very well. I think I have the flu.

• Yeah, you look like you have the flu. If you like, we can go to the doctor with you.

• I appreciate that, Vivian, but it's not necessary. I'm already taking medication.

• Okay? Are you sure you don't want to tell us anything? - Alice commented, sitting on my bed.

• Uh-oh, no... Like I said, I'm just sick with the flu. - I tried not to stare at them so that they wouldn't notice my lie.

• Hey, Nicole, how long are you going to keep this up? We already know. It's impossible not to notice when we look at you.

I looked at Vivian, in a cold sweat.

• I'm sorry, girls. I thought it would work out, I never imagined it would come to this. I wanted to, just once... - I burst into tears.

• Shiiii. Hey, but it's not right to run away from Matthew. He'll end up talking to his mother. Having rules isn't bad. - Vivian rolled her eyes.

• Sooner or later, you'll have to take over your mother's company. Don't be like that, this could be good for you.

What? What do you mean? I thought they were talking about Luck, but they thought I was in a bad way because I had to leave. They thought I was freaking out because I didn't want to accept Madeleine's rules anymore.

• When we arrived at Starbucks yesterday and couldn't find you, we called your cell phone and you didn't answer. Then we called Matthew and he said that he had dropped you off half an hour earlier. We didn't want to make a fuss, so we told him that you probably needed some time alone to get used to the fact that you will have to leave.

• Of course, we did this after calling the school to see if anyone had seen you come up. I know it's not easy," Alice gave me a bear hug. - But we can see each other during the weekends. You don't have to almost kill us both from the heart. - She loosened the hug and wiped away my tears. - Well, now enough of this morbid talk. How about lunch together today?

I made a very unfriendly face and denied it.

• Nicole, this is a subpoena, let's enjoy our days together. - Vivian gave me a dramatic pout.

• That's right! You won't even go if you're dragged away! - Alice got up from my bed and stared at me.

• Fine," I agreed, since they were adamant. I pretended to cover my ears when they screamed hysterically.

At lunchtime, I just nibbled at my food, I had lost my appetite. My body was there, but my thoughts were on Luck.

We spent the rest of the three and a half weeks buying things for my trip, updating the closet, getting passports. I wasn't one to spend much, but it was a way to forget everything that had gone before and move on.

That morning I looked terrible, I don't know exactly if it was because it was only three days before I was to leave or because I wasn't eating very well. I was packing in boxes the rest of the things that were missing to send there. Vivian and Alice insisted that I hire someone to do it for me, but I didn't want to, I didn't have much. Besides, the more distracted I was, the better.

I was about to stack the last box when a wave of dizziness overcame me. I put my hands on the box, trying to hold on, but I was too dizzy. I fell sitting on the floor. I could see everything spinning, and it was hard for me to see clearly normally. Another wave of dizziness hit me and I ran, still dizzy, towards the bathroom, but I threw up before I could reach the toilet. God, I was sick. I felt cold waves crawling up my skin as I vomited. When my body calmed down, I lay on the cold bathroom floor as I felt my stomach hurt and waves of dizziness come and go. I could only be dying, no doubt about it, I don't remember ever feeling this bad in my entire life. I needed to call for help. I grabbed my cell phone with trembling hands and dialed the first number on my call list. Vivian was slow to answer, she and her habit of singing the song before answering the call. Voicemail.

• Damn it! - Clutching the toilet, I vomited again. My phone rang. I answered on the first ring, dirtying the screen with vomit from my dirty fingers.

• Vivian... - I said. - Please, I need you.

• Okay? Are you in your room?

• Yes... - I answered, before throwing up again and once more lying down on the cold floor.

on the cold floor.

• I'm close, I'll be there soon.

A few minutes passed when I heard footsteps in my room. Then Vivian knelt down beside me.

• Oh my God! Nicole, what's wrong?

• I don't know... I think I'm dying," she said, curled up on the floor with her hand on her stomach.

• Don't talk nonsense. Come on, I'll help you up. I've come with Matthew, we're taking you to the doctor.

More steps; then Alice came running in, hysterical, saying something about me not eating right. Matthew was with her and picked me up. I rested my head on his shoulder, soiling him with vomit, and fell asleep.

The noise of the monitors woke me up. I opened my eyes and looked down at my arm, which had access hooked up to the IV. I sat up slowly on the gurney. I pulled out the monitor wires attached to my chest and finger. I looked around, the hospital room was empty. I tried to put my feet on the floor, I still felt weak, I must have been anemic. The door to the room opened.

• Nicole O'Connell?

I confirmed with my head.